Austin Powes: You Only Shag Twice
by JediWriter
Summary: Sorry for the looong wait, have been busy with my publishd books and other things. Chapter 7 is finnaly up.
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1

Somewhere in the Pacific…

            The crew of the nuclear Russian submarine UR-IM28 was on a direct heading to the United States.  It was in international water somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.  On the bridge of the sub a tall broad shouldered man wearing captain's bars, stood observing the rest of his men.  His Name was Captain Tannielof.  Even though there was peace between the two countries, Tannielof was working alone.  He hated the US because they cost him his job.  Now he has stolen the sub and decided to attack the west coast.

            Unknowingly to him, he was being followed by a small yellow sub.  The small sub pasted the rudder of the nuclear sub and now was ridding beside it.  Moments later it moved above it as it was now over the top hatch.  The yellow sub clung on the other sub as inside UR-IM28 two sailors stopped dead in their tracks. 

            "What was that?" One sailor asked in Russian to his comrade.

            "I don't know," Replied in Russian, "Sounded like a clank."

            They then heard another sound from above as they looked up.  Suddenly the hatch opened as eight gallons of water poured in other them as they screamed.  They both were knocked out as a man in a wet suit dropped down beside them.  He took off his mask and put on a pair of black glasses.  He was known around the world as the international man of mystery, Austin Powers.  He armed him self and looked at the two sailors.

            "I hope you don't mind if I dropped in on you?" He joked as headed towards the bridge.

            He edged his way in as he saw another door head that was ajar.  He stopped as he heard someone speaking in Russian obviously it was Captain Tannielof addressing his men.  Austin, knowing how to speak in Russian, he listened in on his speech.

            "My beloved loyal crew," He started, "In two hours we will reach over the borders of the United States.  We will take back of what they stolen from us.  Our first target will be the city of San Francisco.  There are almost about four million jobs and soon there will be none."  

            Austin couldn't take it anymore, He kick the door open and at the same time knocked out another sailor.  He pointed his gun at the captain as he entered.

            "Alright, nobody Move!" He ordered as Tannielof turned around to confront Austin, "Alright Captain N. Tanniel…off.  Your raid is over.  Turn your sub around and head back to your motherland."

            "Ah, Mr. Powers," Tanniel stated, "International man of mystery.  I am pleased to meet you, Unfortunaly we cannot deviate from our destination."  Austin then heard clicking of gun shafts behind him.  Tannielof smiled as there were three guns aimed at Austin. "And we cannot have you interfering.  Take Mr. Powers to the brig. "

            Just when a sailor guard placed his hand on Austin's shoulder, he grabbed his hand and shouted, "Judo flip!"  He flipped him on the ground then he took a shot at the captain, but he ducked out of the way as the bullet ricocheted all over the bridge as Austin, Tannielof and he rest of the crew followed the bullet's path until it hit the submarine's pilot.  The pilot leaned forward as he fell on the controls dead.  The submarine shifted as it dove at an angle down towards the bottom of the sea.  

Everyone on the bridge fell forward as one sailor cried in Russian, "Every Comrade for him self!"

He and the rest of the crew mobbed through the door as Austin grabbed Tannielof.

"You fool," Tannielof said to Austin, "Do you realized what you've done?  We'll all die!"

"Oh no baby," Said Austin, "As everybody knows I never die, Twice in one movie."

"So, how did you escape the sub?" A female voice asked.

Austin was entertaining one of his female guest a blond English woman.  They were in his bed after a long intimate shagfest at his pad.  Austin turned to her smiling.

"Well baby.  After I detained the Russian bloke, I ran in to the rear of the sub and torpedoed my way to the surface," He explained.

"Oh wow," she said, "That must be dangerous."

            "Danger's my middle name baby," he remarked.

            "How do you do it?" She wondered, "You risk your life day after day, not knowing that you'll live through it.  What's your secret?"

            Austin grinned at her and replied, "That's easy baby, its mojo power.  Here I'll show you."

            He took his girlfriend's and they both got up naked as the music of Quincy Jones filled the flat.  They danced into the living room and out the front door.  Austin and his lover, bopped down the hall as everyone opened their doors to see what was going on then they joined in the fun, as they were also naked.  They skipped down the stairs until they got to the lobby. They all continued dancing as the naked crowd entered the streets of London.  Austin led them in front as they boogied down towards Abby Road crossing the street that made it famous.  Next they made it towards the professional rugby field as Austin caught the ball, he then dig a jig and spiked the ball.  Finally they skipped down the stairs of Paddington station and got to the platform nine.   He suddenly looked at a wall and ran right through it and was suddenly he was in a colorful world.  He looked down and he noticed that he was a cartoon character with black censor bars over his privets.  But he just danced as a finger man and a blue fuzzy monster joined in the boogie.  He then he went back through the wall again as he was suddenly transported back to his bedroom here his girl was waiting for him undercover.  He grinned and pounced on the bed and purred like a cat. 

Somewhere over Asia…

            High above the clouds over the Asia continent floated a huge air ship in the shape of Dr. Evil.  It was flying because of four giant propellers on top of it spinning madly.   Deep inside in the main chamber five people were sitting around a long square table.  Frau Farbissina was sitting opposite to Number Two.  Next to Frau sat a bald young man, dressed in black, Dr. Evil's son, Scott Evil.  The other two loyal men were sitting at the other end of the table.  They were all waiting as the door on the other side of the room slid opened and stood two bald men, Dr. Evil him self and his short clone counter part, Mini Me.  

             He and Mini Me walked over as Dr. Evil greeted them, "Welcome everyone to my floating air ship." 

            "Hold on," Scott butted in, "I thought you were working for good?"

            "Well Scott, once your evil, there is no turning back," He answered. "Now, Number Two how's Verticom doing?"

"Dr. Evil, we have invested and brought a jet airline company called Jet Blue." The one eye henchman explained, "In one year we have grossed over two billon dollars in sales alone."

   Dr. Evil nodded to him,  "Really? Well, while I was in jail for a few months, Mini Me and I came up with a great plan for world domination.  As you know the World Trade Center in New York City controls the trading for the entire world.  Here the plan, we Hijack two plans and smashing them in the two towers, unless New York pay us a king's ransom?"

Number Two grunted as Dr. Evil turned to him wondering what was wrong, "That has happened."

"Really?" Dr. Evil asked as Number Two nodded, "Ook, see, they never let us watch TV in jail. So its hard to tell what's been done.  All right, here's my next plan.   Right now I have a female temp residing in the Bush administration as to my command she will lure President Bush in a temptation of lust.  With that, congress will force the president to resign unless they will give me his position as president."  

He placed his pinky finger to his mouth as well did Mini Me.  But again, Number Two grunted as he looked to him again.

"That also happened, with the Clinton administration," Number Two informed.

"All right people, I told you once before to inform me of these things ok?"  The doctor told everyone, "You know I don't watch the news, I make them."  He then reached back in his head for another plan until he got one. "Alright, this is my final plan.  And Number Two, if you interrupt me once more I will become angry.  And you would not like it when I'm angry.   Back in the Sixties, I've designed a way to block out the sun completely.  Unfortunaly, there were three flaws to that plan.  One, the technology isn't possible until now, two, the inefficient funds, and three, it would take about twenty years to build the shield which I call the Amidar Project."  Scott chuckled as Dr. Evil looked to him, "What?"

            "Amidar was 1980's video game." Scott informed, "I mean why don't you call it the Pac-Man project?  Or the Pong Project?"

            "Ok stuff it."

            "But?"

            "Stuff it"

            "Wha-"

            "Hey Tom Turkey turn around so I can stuff it.  In your A-Hole"

            "See, this why I don't have any hair," Scott argued.

            "No Scott," Dr. Evil retorted, "Its genetics that you have no hair.  Now, here's the plan, I will go back to the 80's and start to build the Adimar Project."  He and Mini Me quoted using their hands.   "Once it is completed, the sun will be completely blocked out.  With no sun, the world crops will diminish from the cold, and the energy rates will sky rocket unless the world pays us one hundred billion dollars."

            "That a great plan, Mr. Burns," Scott quietly commented.

            "What was that?" Dr. Evil inquired looking to Scott.

            "I said great plan dad," he replied.

            "Thank you," Dr. Evil said.

            "Dr. Evil, What about your brother? Austin Powers?" Number Two asked.

            "I am letting Scott take care of that task," He answered holding a remote control.  He clicked a button and his pat pending Time Machine rose from the floor. "Since he was so patient of waiting.  Scott?"

            "Yeah, well I met a girl last week, who is a tech freak and developed a mind erasing machine, that will erase Austin Power's mind," Scott said.

            "Is she evil?" Dr. Evil asked.

            "Of course she is," Scott, replied, "She wants to take over the Internet."

            "Oh really?" Dr. Evil wondered, "Is that like the world?"

            "Virtually, yes."

            "I would like to meet her."

            "Well she is here," he turned to a guard, "You can bring her in."

            Soon the doors slid open and slim, purple shorthaired woman with purple lips on her mouth.  She had a leather mini skirt and fishnet stockings as she walked in and sat next to Scott as she braced her long rainbow colored fingernails to his face smiling to him.

            "Dad, I would like to introduce you Sil," Scott said. 

            "Sil?  Is that short for something?" His dad asked.

            "Yes, Silicon as in Silicon Valley?" She replied, "You know Dr. Evil after touring your son's air ship I was amazed of the technology you built for him."

            "Scott's air ship?" He wondered as his hand trailed towards the chair ejecting buttons as a slap came down on his hands by Frau's whip.  Dr. Evil's hand quickly retracted as he waved it like he was burnt.

            "He is still our son," Frau said as she smiled to Scott, "Well I think she is wonderful Scott."

            "Thanks mom," Scott replied.

            "Yes Scott, she's" Dr. Evil gave a long pause, "Nice."  He got up and turned to Mini Me. "Well, it time for me to take over the world.  Come Mini Me!"  He pushed a button on his remote control and the swirl on the time machine began to, well, swirl.  He and Mini Me ran into the portal and was both spun into the past.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

In The London Business District…

            Austin Powers is the only person in London who drives a 1966 Convertible Jaguar with the British insignia painted all over and the license place that read Shaguar as he makes his way down Cockspur Street.  It was the first time in awhile that Austin had any holiday time since his last mission.  His first stop was a massage parlor as he pulled his Shaguar over to the curb.   Next to the car sat a quaint little shop with the name of Maggie's Massages painted over the black window.  Austin got out and entered the parlor.  It looked like he remembered it back in the 60's, except it was modernized for the new millennium.  He went over to the reception desk and a brunette woman looked up after she was filing her red nails.  

She smiled politely to him and asked, "May I help you?"

"Yes, I have an one o'clock appointment with Ms. Maggie," Austin replied.

"Your name?" She inquired.

"Powers, Austin Powers."

She looked down on her calendar search for the name.  She smiled a bit and then frowned as she returned her glance back to Austin.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Maggie is out sick today, but I can get someone else to fill her spot?"

"Well, how about you baby?" Austin wondered.

The receptionist chuckled and replied, "I can't.  I am not a massage therapist.  But I know who is available."  She got up and told Austin to wait as she walked through draped beads that hung from the archway of the door and into the back room.  Austin wondered what beautiful creature she would bring out.  A minute later she brought out a muscular man.  Austin jumped in surprise.  This wasn't what he was thinking of.

"Mr. Powers this is Rodrigo," She said, "He'll be your massager."

Austin's stomach grew in disgust as so did he expression.

"Um, as a matter of fact," Austin said, "I think I like to cancel my appointment as I have other things I have to get done.  Sorry."

He turned and paced quickly from the parlor.  His next stop was local grocery market.  He needed a couple of things, the essentials, milk, bread and few others.  He stopped his cart by the casaba melons as he pick up two feeling them checking them if they were ripe.  He looked up and saw another man smiling at him.  Austin knew the man was flirting at him as he smiled politely back and dropped the melons back on the pile and moved on.  The last stop he made was Sally's Salon.  He stopped in front of it and went inside.  Another receptionist, this one had long back hair and the bluest eyes he'd ever seen. 

She looked up and smiled as she asked, "Hello, how may I help you?"

"Hello, I have a hair appointment, the name Austin Powers," He said smiling to her.

"Yes Mr. Powers you can have a seat over there," She said gesturing her hand to the seats, "And someone will be right with you."

"Alright then," as he walked he wondered if his mojo was still good as he cat walked over.  The receptionist looked over smiled and giggled a bit as she returned to her magazine. Austin grinned and in satisfaction as he sat down. Soon a slim woman wearing leather jeans and a black stain blouse walked out.  Austin looked up and saw that the woman had short purple hair and lips to match.

"Mr. Powers?" She inquired.

"That's my name, don't ware it out," He chuckled as the woman gave a fake smile.

"My name is Sil, I'll be cutting your hair today," she said, "Will you follow me?"

He stood and they both when to a seat by a sink as Sil motioned her hand for him to sit.  Austin sat down as she took his glasses and placed it by a small table that was beside them.  She then placed a smock around his velvet suit and turned on the water.

"Have you ever thinking of getting contacts?" Sil wondered.

"Now why would I want to contact some one? I'm right here baby." He replied as Sil leaned the chair back, "Eliminate the middle man yeah."

"I meant eye contacts," She informed him as Sil started to massage his hair.  She was a bit digested and wondered when was the last time he showered. "You look much better with out your glasses."

"Oh, Really?' Austin said enjoying the treatment. "You know I had to cancel my massage today, but this makes it up."

 Sil then poured some Herbal Essence in her hand then started to rub it in his hair.  Austin really enjoyed it.

"Oh, Yeah baby," Austin purred, "Yes yes give to me Yeah Yeah YES YES."

"Ahem," Sil stopped looking at him wondering if this guy was for real.

Austin looked up at her and grinned showing his English teeth, "Totally an organic experience baby."

"Right," She said faking her smiled again and rinsing his hair, "I think we're done with shampooing."  Austin acknowledged and got up. "Please sit over there in that chair drier."  Austin walked over, but just before he sat down Sil said, "Not that one, the next chair over," Austin pointed and Sil nodded.  He smiled to her and sat down. 

Sil went over and took a strap from the arms of the chair and wrapped it around his arm.  She then did it again on the other side, as Austin was curious of what she was doing.

"Don't worry Mr. Powers," She explained, "This is…a new feature.  A bond that keeps the hair on your wrist from burning."

"Well bonds away," He remarked as he chuckled.  Sil lightly chuckled sarcastically.  He then asked, "This won't take long will it?"

"No," She replied, "It will be so fast you wouldn't remember it."  She grinned as he grabbed a remote control from a near by table and aimed it at Austin. Austin looked up at a bit confused as Sil gave sly smile at him.  "Good bye Mr. Powers."  She then pressed a button on it with her thumb as Austin felt a jolt going through his head.

All of a sudden, Sil heard a gun shot and felt something hit the remote as she dropped it.  Austin stopped shaking and was out cold.  She looked over the door and saw an auburn haired woman dressed in a business suit aiming a gun at Sil.

"Don't move!" she said, but Sil smirked at her as she grabbed some talcum powder and threw it at the woman.  

The auburn woman coughed as the powder turned to a pink cloud around her.  She shot twice through the cloud but Sil disappeared.  She looked to Austin and quickly aided him as she removed the straps.   Austin came around and looked to her wondering who she was.

"Mr. Powers?" she said raising a brow.

"Is that my name?" He replied questionably.  "Who are you? Where am I?"

"My mane is special agent Huge, Titti Huge.  I work for the Egyptian Secret Service." She answered, "And you don't remember where you are?"

He shook his head as she help Austin out of the chair.  Suddenly, everything went dark out side as Titti look towards the window a bit concerned then back to Austin.  The TV on a shelf was then unexpectedly turned on by it self as Scott Evil face filled the void.  They both looked up at him as he began to speak.

"Leaders of the world.  As you can see I have block out the sun entirely with my star shielder.  If you don't pay a tribute of one hundred billion dollars to you new god, me, the sun will remain blocked, your crops will die, your energy bills will rise, and there will be a new ice age.  Mawhahahahahaha." He ended as the picture went black.

"He's an evil sort isn't he?" Austin inquired.

"You don't remember who he is?" she asked as Austin turned to her.

"Should I?" he wondered.

"Well, That's Scott Evil son of your arch nemesis and – Brother, Dr. Evil." Titti Replied.

"You must off your blocker," Austin argued, "He's evil, vile, nutty and all that.  I can't be related to him.  Not unless I'm evil?" He turned to Titti, "Am I evil?"

"No you are not," She said, "You are Austin Powers, International man of Mystery for the British Secret Service.  Now come on we must see Basil for more information."

"Who?" Austin asked.

"Basil Expedition, your boss," She explained as they exited the building. They headed towards the Shaguar "You still know how to drive, right?"  

  "Of course," He replied looking at the car, "Is this ugly thing yours?"

"No, its yours," Titti replied getting in the passenger seat.

"Oh," Austin getting inside now that he's embarrassed.  He stared at the wheel and asked her, "What's thing do?"  She turned to him not believing him, "Just kidding."  He chuckled as he started the engine.

She just smiled at him then said, "At least you remember that you have a good sense of humor."

The Shaguar drove away into the streets.  Titti was right Austin thought, his memory of who he was, were gone, but his other primary memories still remain.  The question before him was why would this Dr. Evil want to erase his memories?  What was Dr. Evil up too?  And what was that horrible smell?  He looked to Titti, smiling politely to her hoping it wasn't her as she gave him directions to the secret service headquarters. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

British Secret Service HQ…

            After getting lost a few times in London, Austin and Titti finally arrived at their destination, The British Secret Service HQ.  When they arrived at the front door Titti had to relay the secret password to the doorman and went in.  They entered the office of Basil Expedition as he turned and smiled at them.  He was so relieved to see Austin as what he had heard.

            "Ah Austin, Titti, thank goodness you're both alright," he said 

            Austin looked at him a bit strange and wondered, "Thank you, do I know you?"

            "Austin this is Basil, the one I was telling you about," Titti explained turning to Basil, "One of Dr. Evil's henchperson tried to wipe out Austin's memory.  Luckily I found him and stopped her."

            "Oh my," Basil gasped, "Well, I think first we'll try to recover Austin's memory.  Then I will brief you both of what we know."

            They all walked out of the office and down the hall to a room marked Experimental Spy Equipment Room.  Basil knocked first as the door opened by it self.  They entered a big room with men in scientist's garments roaming about.  They walked towards an old white haired skinny man wearing spectacles as he looked up at them.

            "Oh hello Basil," He said as he glanced to the other two Basil brought in.

            "Hello Y.   Y We have a problem, it seems that Dr. Evil has erased Austin's Memory." Basil Explained, "Can you help him?"

            Y Looked at him more closely and examined him, then asked, "Austin, do you know who I am?"

            He looked at Y with puzzlement, and then answered, "Should I have?"

            Y Nodded and looked to Basil, "Your right he has lost his memory. Hmmm I think I have something that could work." He walked off as the other followed him, "But I must caution you, it is still in experimental stages."  They came to a huge object still covered with a white sheet.  Y grabbed a corner of the sheet and pulled it as the hidden object was reveled.  It was chair that had extra gadgets attached to it.  It almost looked like an electric chair.  "This is our latest invention, the recaller machine, it will recall any memory that was lost or that no one that wants to remember."

"Oh," Austin said and pointed at the strange machine, "What's that?"  

"Our recaller machine. Austin, please sit down."

            "Do you think its safe?" Austin inquired. "How many people tried it?"

            "Well, actually, you're the first," Y replied.

            Austin gulped and looked at the chair nervously he had no choice; he needed to remember who he was.  As he sat down, he lights flickered on and off and suddenly they were in total blackness.

            "What happened?" Titti inquired.

            They heard a rumbling noise of someone tripping.

            "Be careful who ever that was," Y cautioned. 

            "Sorry," Basil replied, "It seems that all of London's power is out."

            "Oh, then I guess you can't use this machine then?" Austin wondered.

            "No," Y replied.

            A door then was opened and they heard footsteps and said in a man's voice "London officials said that there was an explosion at the power plant. The cause was over usage of the power."

            "Who is that?" Basil wondered.

            "Its me, Mole"

            "Oh, well, any information on the person who tried to erase Austin's memory?" Basil asked.

            "Well, to what Titti has told us, her name is Sil, she's a Techno geek who loves technology.  She use to work at an electronic company in Silicon Valley, California called Microwear.  A company witch develops high Tech fashion." Mole informed.

            "Excellent," Basil exclaimed, "Titti?  I want you and Austin to go there posing as a photo journalists and find out all you can about Sil."

            Titti grabbed a hand and lead him threw the darkness until they got to a door until the mole said, "Where are you taking me?"

            "Oh, sorry," Titti replied, "I thought you were Austin."  She went back and grabbed another hand hopping it was Austin.

            "Um, Titti," Basil said, "That's my hand."

            "Sorry again, Um Austin," She said looking around the room in the dark, "Grab my hand."  A hand touched her and said, "I hope that is you?"

            "And I hope that is you Baby," Austin replied holding her hand.

            For a moment, Titti thought that his memory of whom he was returning.  As they made there across the room, Y found a flashlight on his table turned it on and gave them some equipment they might need, like A flashlight, infrared glasses that looks like his glasses for Austin, a pair of super hearing earnings for Titi and a mini super drill disguised as a BIC pen.

            "Good luck you two," Basil said as they left.

Austin's Privet Jet…

            Moments later they were in Austin's privet jet heading towards California.  Austin couldn't believe that he owned a jet.  He thought that he must be very rich to own one.  They both sat in the passenger compartment as Austin looked around.  Everywhere he saw the area looked like it came out of a bad sixty's movie.  There was even a satin bed in the corner.  He then thought if this Austin person that he was, was insane.

            "So, this is my jet huh?" Austin wondered.

            "Yeah," Titti replied.

            "How did I get it? Am I rich?" He asked.

            "No, I think it was gift, from TWA." She replied, "I read in your file that you rescued one of their jets from a hijacker back in the Sixties."

            He looked at Titti confused and inquired, "What do you mean from the sixties?  I thought this was year 2003?  How can I be there and still be young here?  Oh no now my head hearts."

            "It very simple," She explained, "you see…you were frozen back in 1969 and was reanimated in 1997 to stop Dr. Evil from taking over the world."

            "Oh, that does make sense," Austin replied, "So I was from the sixties huh?"

            "Yes"

            "Were you from the sixties too?"

            "Me?" she chuckled "No Mr. Powers that was before my time.  Look I think we should get ready, now on this mission you are my photographer."

            "I thought I was a spy?"

            "You are, but now you are photographer."

            "Which is it baby? A spy or a photographer?"

            "You're both, look, you are going to pretend that you are a photographer alright?  You know how to take pictures, right?"

            "I think so, that's the thing you push a button and a flash goes off?"

            "Right, you know I think your memory is coming back?"

            "You think so?"

            She nodded and smiled a bit as the jet streaked across the dark night sky.  It finally descended to Los Angles Airport as they booked them selves a room at the Hilton then they were off too to Microwear.

Microwear Inc…

            Titti and Austin arrived in the parking lot of Microwear when the spotted a huge industrial dump truck in front of the building.  The door on the cab opened and out came a large heavyset man dressed in a yellow jacket and a plaid kilt.  Titti grabbed Austin as they hid behind a bush.  They saw the man entered the front door as Titti immediately recognized him.

            "That Fat Bastard," she said.

            "Excuse me?" Ausin wondered looking to Titti.

            "That's Fat Bastard, one of Dr. Evil's henchman."

            "Well I know he's a bit obese, but you don't have to call him a fat bastard"

            "But that's his name, Fat Bastard."

            "I'm not a bastard you slim bitch!"

            Titti was surprised at him and slapped him hard on the face.  She then realized that he didn't know who he was and apologized, "Oh, I'm sorry Austin.  I didn't mean to slap you like that.  But I was trying to tell you his name is Fat Bastard."  Austin rubbed his face from the slap and nodded.  Titti then wondered, " I wonder what he is doing here with that dump truck?"

            They pondered a few minutes then decided to go in as Titti reminded that he was a photographer.  They entered through the glass doors as they slid opened and when to a young man behind the counter.  It was surprise to them both that the lights were on in a time like this.

            The young male receptionist looked up at them and asked, "Welcome to Microwear, can I help you?"

            "Yes," Titti replied, "I'm Gina Harper for World Fashion magazine and this is my photographer, world renowned AP.  We have an appointment to see Mr. Bates."

            "I thought your name was..." Austin started to say but was jammed in the stomach by Titti as the young man looked at his computer screen then back at them.

            "Yes, here," he acknowledged as he handed them a couple of card passes, "You must have these on you at all times.  Take the elevator on your right, go to the 3rd floor, and walk down until you get to another hallway.  Make a right then go to the end of that and you'll get to another pair of elevators.  Now you don't want those, but take the stairs to the 5th floor until you get another hall, walk down make a right, left and another right until you get to his secretarial office and privet elevator. Just mention my name, witch is Sam and your in.  Now any questions?"

            "Yes, can you repeat that once more?" Austin asked.

            "Come on Austin," Titti tugged him as they were well on their way.

They were on the 3rd floor until they came to a cross hallway they both looked left and right and was now confused.  The entire hallway looked the same.  Wooden doors and abstract paintings covered the blue walls.  

"Did he say left or right?" Austin inquired.

"I can't remember," she said looking franticly, "Lets ask some one."

Just then a door opened and a young, longhaired blond man with glasses comes out holding a broom, obviously the janitor.

They looked at him as Austin asked him, "Excuse me, do you know where we could fine the elevators that go to the 5th floor?"

"I don't know," he said in a small voice, "I just started working here."

"You know, you look familiar to me," Austin said.

"Really? Do watch TV?"

"Not that I know of.  Are you famous?"

"Um, maybe. I think," he said as he turns to the open door and calls out, "Wayne!" he then goes in and disappears.

They looked at each other and decided to down the left hall.  After a asking a few employees, they finally got to the secretarial office where they were greeted by a young blond beauty behind a desk filing her nails. She looked up to them and smiled as placed her file down.

"May I help you?" She said.

"Yes, Sam sent us up. We are here to see Mr. Bates," Titi said.

"Mmmhmm, well Mr. Bates is in with a very um, important client please sit and wait over there," She responded and gestured to the cream colored seats behind them.

They sat as Titti wondered if Fat Bastard was up in the office as she looked at the black privet elevator.  She tapped her left earring as Austin picked up a fashion magazine.  He then started to remember about himself being a model photographer and wondered as Titti heard faint voices from her earpiece.

"Now Master Bates," One voice with a very heavy Scottish accent said, "Here is the money, now where's the sail?"

There was a pause and another voice.  It sounded serene and flat, "That's Mister Bates.  The sail is almost finished.  Its down in the tailoring department, once they are done they'll load it on to your truck."

"Good, now where's your crapper Master Baits? I got a load big as boulders.  I'm not kiddin', I've been sittin' on it since Denver.  Its ready to come out. I feel like I'm going to have a baby shot out my ass!"

He sighed, "Mr. Bates to you, and its down the hall on your right," Mr. Bates replied.

There was sound of an elevator ding as Titti looked to Austin and whispered in his ear, "Fat Bastard is coming down, I want you to follow him and find out where he is taking a sail he brought.  But don't let him see you.  He knows you Austin."

"Follow him? That shouldn't be too hard." Austin replied as the elevator dinged and its door opened.

Austin and Titti quickly covered their faces with magazines as Fat Bastard waddles by. He stopped at the secretary's desk for a moment.

"Hey lass, how would you like come to my place ladder on?" He said, "We can do the wild thang in my crib."

She looked up at him now disgusted at his obesity and replied, "Um, sorry I have a boy friend."

"Ach, I bet he don't have a sexy body like mine eh?" Fat Bastard asked, "How about a trade up?"

"Mister, I wouldn't trade him up for all the tea in China," She replied.

He nodded, "Well if he gets too boring, just give me call"

He handed her a card with a number in it as he waddled around the corner.  The secretary threw the card in the garbage and looked at the two sitting with headed covered with Vogue and Ms. 

"Mrs. Harper?" she said as Titti pt down the magazine, "Mr. Bates is waiting."

"Oh yes," Titti stood and he nudged Austin for him to stand too," Would it be alright for my photographer to snap a few shots off down here?"

"Sure,"

"Thank you," She turned to Austin, "Have fun."

"You too T- um I mean Gina," Austin replied as Titti entered the elevator.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Still At Mircowear…

     Titti enter Mr. Bates' elaborate gorgeous office.  It had a high domed ceiling, a huge 30' TV, and a view to die for.  Mr. Bates saw her behind his black marbled desk and smiled at her.  She was stunning he thought as she walked across the room.

            "Please Ms. Harper, sit," He said as he gestured her to a soft leather chair.

            Titti sat down and Started, "Thank you," She took out a pen and paper. "Mr. Bates, perhaps we could get started."

            "Sure," He said, "um, didn't you have a photographer with you?"

            "Yes," She replied, "He's down stairs.  He wanted to take pictures of the offices.  My readers want to know the inside scoop of Microwear. How it runs, from the inside."

            "Ah, ingenuous," Mr. Bates said admiring her beauty.

            As they were talking, Austin got up and started to take pictures of Ms. Pinch's office, the secretary.  Then at Ms. Pinch.  Soon, he trailed Fat Bastard to the bathroom that was down the hall.  He went in and noticed that one of the stalls was closed all the way.  He moved over to the next one when in, and sat down.

            Fat Bastard heard the door close and looks over as if he could see who it was.

            "Going to take a dump, Eh?" Fat Bastard said, "Well you better make it quick before I do.  I got a crap that'll rip the paint off the walls."

            "Really? How interesting," Austin replied.

            "Eh now, you sound familiar."

            "Do I?"

            "Yeah, I know, your that Simon Cowell fellow from 'American Idol'," he said, "I love it when you rant and put down those losers on that show.  You're my Idol."

            "Well, thank you but I'm not Simon Cowell," Austin replied.

            "No, you're too nice.  Wait a minuet, I know who you are, yeah, you that guy on BBC's Bargain Hunt," Fat Bastard thought, "Yeah, what's his name.  Listen I got a few stuff that I need…hold on," He grunted a bit as Austin heard a huge splashing noise like an object the shape of an asteroid hitting the ocean.  And Fat Bastard wasn't kidding on the smell.  Austin coughed and gagged as Fat Bastard continued. "Now as I was saying, " He quickly looked at his watch and said, "Crap, I got to get goin', I got a delivery to make up north."  He got up, pulled his enormous kilt up and walked out leaving Austin.

            Meanwhile…Titti and Br. Bates were getting to know each other very well.  Mr. Bates was sitting on the edge of his desk in front of Titti flirting; Titti didn't like this at all.

            "…And so that is I mad my first million." Mr. Bates ended. "Hey why don't I take you out for dinner Gina and you tell me a little of your self and I tell you more of my self?  Then later on we can go back to my place and…"

            "I'm sorry Mr. Bates, but you're a married man." Titti said 

            "Please call me Gill, Gina."

            "I think this interview is over, Mr. Bates." She retorted as she sprung up.

            "Realy?  Alright, I've been dumped a few times before, I can I tell you that you are immaculate."  

            Titti looked at him then walked to the elevator in disgust.  Mr. Bates then blew a kiss to her as he smiled.  The elevator closed and soon she went to the men's bathroom door to see if Austin was there.

            "Austin?" she inquired, but she heard faint coughing a gasping she rushed in and found him on the floor. Her expression of alarm then turned to disgrace as she said to him, "Look at you, Fat Bastard could be a hundred of miles from here and you're on the floor taking a rest.  Come on before we loose him."

            They both got down to the lobby and rushed out to the dark parking lot to see Fat Bastard's tuck started to dive away.  Austin and Titti quickly got on to their rental car and drove after him.

            Hours went by as Austin drove with the headlights off.  He wore the inferred glasses as it enhanced his view 100%.   He continued to drive on I-66 north and they didn't know if it was day or night.  Titti yawned and fell a sleep, but she told Austin to keep a good distant between them and fat Bastard.  He looked over and frowned, as he felt so sorry for her.  He didn't belong here, he did belong with Titti, and he was no secret agent. Not at that point anyways.  He thought of pulling over the road and bail out of this mission, but he didn't.  He was so confused, and he needed to talk to her at the next stop.

            They just passed the Oregon state border and saw Fat Bastard turn in to a McDonalds.  He wanted to go to the drive-thru but the truck was too big so he parked on the lot.  Titti was awake as Austin parked on the other side.

            "Titti I must talk to you," He said, "I don't think I can do this.  Being a secret agent."

            "Why not?" She asked as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

            "It doesn't feel right for me.  I mean all this spying around, its just, its not me.  I'm sorry but I think I like to bail out."

            "Austin, look, I know you don't know who you are or what you do, but let me tell you this.  I have seen you in action and you are a spy.  If you bail out now, you and the entire population of the earth will never see the light of day, and Dr. Evil will rule the world.  Do you want that to happen?"

            "No," He replied slowly as if he was unsure.

            "But if you want to bail out, go ahead.  I'll stop Dr. Evil my self."

            He looked at her and knew she was right.  He couldn't let her go after those nut cases by her self.  She'll need help.  His help.

            "Alright, lets stop that egghead," he said, this time with confidence.

            They went to the drive-thru and ordered a couple of Big Macs, a Coke and waited until Fat Bastard came out of the fast food restaurant.  He want back to his truck and drove off as Austin again followed him.

A Secret Check Point in Washington…

            Fat Bastard finally stopped at a hidden checkpoint somewhere in the woods of Washington.  Austin and Titti hid their car behind a bush got out and carefully walked over to see Fat Bastard's truck.  A guard came over to him as Fat Bastard looked down from the window.

            "Lets sneak on board and see where it goes," Titti whispered as Austin nodded.

            They both got on the back of the truck's dumper and the truck went off again.  They entered a huge manmade tunnel and drove about a half a mile before it stopped.  Titti an Austin jumped off and hid behind a few crates as they saw what was happening.  They were in a huge room the size of a small hanger as worker crossed each other as they walked by.  The middle of the room was Titti and Austin's attraction, a huge object shaped like a ring.  Around the ring was decorated with hieroglyphics markings that indicated that the object was from Egypt.  

            "I knew it," Titti said, "That's Ramses' Gate.  It was stolen from the Cairo Museum a few weeks ago.  That is one of the reasons I volunteered for this assignment.  It was said that it was used to teleport Ramses through time, but that was just myth.  Dr. Evil must of used it to base on his Time Machine."

            Fat Bastard got out of the cab of the truck as Scott Evil and Sil approached him.

            "Alright, here's your sail," Fat Bastard said, "Now where's my money?"

            "Your delivery isn't complete Fat Bastard," Scott replied, "Your money is in Ciro, Egypt 1981.  Where my father is right now. Here's the plan." He quoted 'Plan' as he continued, "We've just discovered how this thing works.  We will use Ramses' Gate." He quoted Ramses's Gate, "to teleport you and the truck back to 1981.  Now did anyone follow you?"

            "Are you kiddin'" Fat Bastard replied, "I am slier then a fox.  I have hearin' like jackrabbits.  Now, where's your crapper? I got to take a lea-."

            "Aright, enough!"  Scott interrupted. "Its down the hall on your right."  He looked to Sil as Fat bastard waddled away.

            "Love," Sil asked to Scott, "What about Austin Powers?"

            "Now Sil.  Are you sure Austin lost all of his memory?" He asked.

            "Well..." She replied, "I think the erasure was complete, that until that bitch came in and interrupted it."

            "Ok, no problem, we just have to kill him. And I have just the man to do it."

            Austin looked to Titti for a plan as Titti looked back hoping he had one, but unfortunate he did not.  The fate of the world lies on him and he didn't have a simple plan to stop all this.

            "Well," Titti started, "we can sneak back on the truck and stop Dr. Evil in the past."

            "That sound like a good plan."  Austin replied quietly, "But do you think that this gate really works?"

            "I don't know," she replied unsurely.

            As soon as the coast was clear they carefully crept towards the side of the truck, making sure no one spotted them.  They both climbed on the side and in the dumper it self.  Meanwhile Fat Bastard retuned, climbed in to the cab as Scott returned with a tall man who has a metal plate around his mouth.  It looked like a bear trap with tough steal sharp teeth.  

            "Alright, activate the Gate!" Scott ordered.

            "ACTIVATE THE GATE!" Frau repeated as Scott Jumped.

            The inner circle swirled counter-clockwise and a wave of water like substance swirled inward like a whirlpool.  Everyone looked at in awe.

            "Ok Piranha," Scott said to him, "You know that to do. If you see Austin, Kill him."

            Suddenly Piranha looked up and saw a head with rimmed glassed on the truck and his mouthpiece clattered up and down as he pointed.

            "What?" Scott asked, "What is it? Will you stop clattering and tell me?"  Piranha turned Scott's head and he saw Austin plop down as the truck started up and drove on the ramp towards the Gate.  "Stop!  Someone Stop that Truck!" But it was too late.

            Piranha ran towards the dump tuck and jumped on the back as it entered the gate.  The truck and all aboard were stretched and swirled with the water like substance and disappeared. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Somewhere in Egypt 1981…

     In a room decorated with hieroglyphics, sat Ramsey's Gate.  Then it came alive, glowing and swirling, the huge truck witch Fat Bastard was driving, came through.  He drove it off the ramp and parked it as he got out.  Meanwhile, Piranha, fell off the truck feeling dizzy and completely disoriented.  Fat Bastard looked over as Piranha stumbled towards him.

            "Ach. Ye don look to good." He said to him, "Well, I got to tell Dr. Evil That I'm here. See ye later." 

            Fat Bastard walked off and closed the door.  This was the perfect opportunity for Austin and Titti to make their move.  They climbed out of the truck, but Piranha got to his senses and saw them.  He chomped his metal teeth coming towards them.  Titti looked about and saw a pile of boxes on the corner wall.  She tugged Austin over as they hid behind it.  Piranha knew there they were and followed them, but suddenly the pile of boxes fell on top of him knocking Piranha out.

            "Well, it seems he has a lot on his mind," Austin Joked, "I guess he's kind of boxed in at the time."

            "Right, come on, we got to get out of here." Titti said as they headed toward the door, but it was electronically locked from the other side. "Crap, we're locked in, trapped."

            Austin looked about and saw a window high above them that was close to the ceiling. Then he had an idea.  He started to make a ladder from the remaining boxes.  Titti smiled at him as they climbed out and just in time too.  Piranha came to his senses, got up from the pile and saw them climb through the window.  He will get them soon.

            The two agents entered a horrific sandstorm as they ran into the hot windy storm.  They weren't sure where they came from or if they will ever find Dr. Evil's new Headquarters again.  A couple of hours have passed as they hiked in the endless Sahara. It seemed that the storm will never end and all hope was lost.  Titti couldn't take another step as she fell on to the sand.

            "Titti," Austin gasped as he too was totally exhausted and collapsed. "Only a miracle could save… us..now…"

             Just then, Austin swore he heard thumping noise just as he drift into unconscious.

            Meanwhile back into Dr. Evil's Headquarters…Dr. Evil selected an area in the ancient Egyptian tomb of witch to set up his main chamber.  The chamber, like the other parts of the tombs had colorful hieroglyphics, and Egyptian statues and pottery.  But it was also the pharos's throne room, which Dr. Evil enjoyed.  Though he just improvised it with modern furniture and electronics.

            "Welcome every one to my underground pyramid lair," Dr. Evil announced. "Right now as we speak, my son, in the future, has used the sun shield to blackmail the entire Earth.  But here in the 80's our job is far from over.  Thanks to Mr. Baits and Fat Bastard we now have the sail to cover the parameter of the sun."  He turned and looked at an Arab sitting at the corner of a square table where his other regular henchman sat as well,   "Mr. Husah you are a leading terrorist in the world today by night, but by day you are richest iron and gold minor in Egypt.  How goes the construction dog?"

            "Dog?" the Arab questioned raising a brow. "Are you trying to insult me?"

            "Not that I know of posse," he replied. "So what is the word bro?"

            "Word? Posse? I am sorry Dr. Evil I am not understanding your language." Mr. Husah, "But perhaps we should get down to business, like my payment."

            "Payment?" Dr. Evil wondered," Ok, two things, one, from now on I like you to refer me as Pharaoh Evil.  Yes, that would be appropriate.  The new king is in town.  As for your pay, well you will get it time.  As I understand from Piranha that my dear brother Austin Powers is here."

            "Do you want him dead?" Mr. Husah inquired. "If so my best assassin will take care of it."  He motioned his hand and man in a red fez came forward. "I think you know him, Mustafa."

            "No, he is my brother, just get him out of the way for now."

            "As you wish my king"

Cairo Egypt…

            Austin opened his eyes to find himself in a room.  He saw a door on the far side, a dresser next to it and a mirror on top of the dresser.  He then realized he wasn't in a hospital room, but in a hotel of some sort.  He placed on his glasses for a clearer look and heard a shower from behind a door next and across the room from himself.  He wondered whom it was as the sound of the shower silenced.  Moments later the door opened and it was Titti in robe with a towel wrapped around her hair.

            "Well, good morning Austin, " She smiled, "I was wondering when you will wake."

            "What Happened? Where are we?" Austin perplexed as he was asked her.

            "We're in Cairo.  A hotel actually." She replied sitting on the bed.

            "How did we get here?" He asked again.

            "When I woke an hour ago one of my contacts found us and brought us here.  We were lucky when he came looking for us. Another minute and that sandstorm would've buried us alive," She replied.

            "So now what?" Austin wondered,  "I'm sure that storm buried that window for us to find again."

            "Don't worry, my contact told me some information on a man who knows the location," She responded, "The problem is the man we are looking for is dangerous man named Huspanaduan Hasah."

            "Well I wouldn't worry Danger's my middle name, I think"

            Titti smiled at him, "You know Austin, ever since I met you didn't sound like the man I read in the files.  I like that, a man of mystery."  She came closer to him.

            "Shouldn't we find Mr. Husah?" Austin asked as Titti was face to face to him.

            "I know where exactly he is." She said softly, "He owns a night club in town called the Humping Camel, which doesn't open until four hours from now.  Plenty of time to, get to know each other more."

            With that they kissed with passion and made love.  Austin then finally remembered when the last time he made love to another women.  He remembered the 60's the 70's, but not the 80's, not yet anyways.  He remembered that he had a brother, named Dougie Powers aka Dr. Evil.  He remembered everything.

            "I remember everything!" he exclaimed as he sat up from his frolicking with Titti.

            Back in Dr. er I mean Pharaoh Evil's lair, Pharaoh Evil and his Mini Me was in the recreation room playing table hokey.

            "That's it Mini Me," Evil said, "no Mr. Nice pharaoh"

            With the flick of the wrist Pharaoh Evil scored.

            "Yes! Who's your daddy? Huh who's your daddy, oh yes that would be me huh?"

            Suddenly Number 2 entered and reported.

            "What is it Number 2?"

            "The construction on the first one is finish."

            "Good, once we all four completed, there will be no one stopping us." Evil said, "No even by brother, Austin Powers. Mauw Ha Ha MAUW HAHA." They laughed until Mini Me tugged on his taller counterpart's leg. Evil looked down as Mini Me held up two fingers in one hand and three on the other.

            "Oh you want a rematch huh?" Evil asked as Mini Me nodded, "Ok you're on." He looked to Number 2 "You can have winners."

            "Uh, actually I more work to be done, excuse me, " Number 2 told them as he bowed and left.

            "Well, don't forget! All work and no play…Oh hell with him," he said as looked to Mini Me, "Come Mini Me!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The Humping Camel

            Austin and Titti arrived around 7:00PM, they were both dressed at their best.  Austin wearing his Blue and red stripped suit and Titti wearing a stunning black lace dress.  As they entered the club, Titta looked around, as did Austin.  The club was decorated with colorful beads draping in the arches and Arabic music playing the background.

            "Well what do you think?" Titti wondered

            "Well, the décor is horrid, and the music is ungroovie baby," Austin replied.

            "No, I mean where do you think, Mr. Husah is?" She asked him.

            Austin looked around as so did Titti.  Then Titti looked upward towards the loft of the club.  She saw four men including one she recognized.

            "There he is," She said as Austin look towards her gaze.  They then looked at a staircase in the corner that led to the loft.  But unfortunately it was guarded by one of Mr. Husah's thug.  "How are we going to pass him?"

            "Alright, I have a plan," Austin started, "You go find me a long rope and hacksaw, then I climb out side onto the roof, and crash through the ceiling window.  You saw the supports that, supports the loft and that would crash down."

            "Well, that's a good plan," She said, "But how's this, I'll go over and distract him and you go upstairs and talk to Mr. Husah."

            "Right, That would work," he replied.

            Titti looked towards the guard and suddenly walked slowly towards the man.  She looked like a sexual tiger walking towards her mate. Austin looked at her and started to get turned on.

            "Yeah Baby," He mumbled.

            Titti worked her body as the guard took notice.  He grinned at her as she came forward.  

            "Excuse me big boy, but you know where I can…" She whispered something dirty in his ear and the man smiled even wider, then the man shook his head.

            "I must stay at my post," He said.

            "Really?  Even for…" She whispered again.

            The guard had a hard decision to make then said, "Well, alright, but just a few minutes."  Then she and the guard left towards the side door.  This was Austin's perfect time to visit Mr. Husah.  He went up the steps and saw him sitting with his associates.

            "…And I hope he knows what he is doing." He ended.  He looked up and saw Austin, "Who are you?  How did you get pass my guard?"

            "The name's Powers, Austin Powers." Austin introduced.

            "What do you want, Mr. Powers?" Mr. Husah wondered.

            "World peace, A couple of girls to shag by," He replied, "That sort of stuff."

            "I mean, why are you here?" Mr. Husah asked again.

            "I heard you know some one who knows something about a sail," He replied.

            "I heard nothing of a sail, and if I did, why should I tell you?"  
 Mr. Husah wondered, "Who are you? CIA? FBI? British Intelligence?"

            Austin replied, "Actually I'm a Man of International Mystery baby yeah.  And I'm looking for a man.  A man named Dr. Evil.  You know him?"

            "Dr. Evil?  Never heard of him," Mr. Husah lied, "Now if you excuse me," he said getting up, "I have other business to attend to.  Have a pleasant stay Mr. Powers."

            He and his associates got up too and went back down stairs.  Austin knew that Mr. Husah was lying.  He now has to follow him if he ever get find Dr. Evil's hideout.  He got up and went down stairs and saw that Mr. Husah and his men went into a door, probably his office.  Titti came back and joined Austin to discuss their next move.

            "How did it go with Mr. Husah's Body guard?" Austin wondered.

            "Oh, put him out," Titti replied, and reality she did, in the trash container, "How did it go with Mr. Husah? What did you find out?"

            "Well, he smelled bad, like rotten potato, almost like a circus freak." Austin replied as he shivered from the thought,   "He had bad taste in clothes, and he is a liar.  We have to tail him if we are ever going to find my brother."

            Later that evening Titti and Austin sat in their rental right across from the club.  They've been there for an hour and Mr. Husah or his men never came out.   Austin was munching on some McDonald's fries and Titti was sipping on her small diet Pepsi.

            "Do you thing he'll come out anytime soon?" Titti wondered.

            "I hope so baby," Austin replied, "I can't sit in this car alone with you, not doing anything.  I mean, it's just boring."  He then looked at her, "Why don't we take a little breather and use the back seat for once,"

            "Bastard!" She shouted.

            "Well, I thought we made a connection last night, didn't we?" Austin wondered.

            "No, look, " She pointed towards the club and there he was mingling with the door man, "Fat Bastard."

            "Excellent, let's follow him," Austin Powers replied.  

But before Austin turned on the motor, something smashed through Titti's Side window.  Titti screamed as a huge hand lured in after her.  Austin quickly looked and using his feet, tried to kick the intruder's hands, but he then heard a gun cock, from his window.   Austin immediately recognized him as Mustafa.

"You!"  Austin said.

"You do recognize me Mr. Powers," Mustafa said, "That is good, now I am going to kill you now." Mustafa raised his gun ready to fire.

"Hold on," Austin interrupted, "I thought you died in The Spy Who Shagged Me? How did you survive?"

"I'll never tell you," Mustafa replied.

"Oh that right.  I need to ask you two more times," Austin said, "How did you survive?"

"I spit on that question," Mustafa replied spitting on the ground.

"Austin!" Titti cried as he turned to see that Piranha grabbed Titti and has her in a half nelson.

"Get out, or I'll have my associate have a midnight snack," Mustafa ordered and Austin obeyed.  Mustafa Smiled and said, "Now your weapons, throw them on the ground."  Austin placed his hand inside his velvet jacket, took out his gun and threw it on the ground. "Good.  In to the van."  They all went into an ally and Austin and Titti was thrown in the back as Piranha closed than lock it. 

Inside Austin looked around, but it was too dark to see.  They then felt the vibration of the motor and the shift of weight, as they knew they were moving.  But where were they going?  Something told Austin that it wasn't good.

"I'm sorry I got you in to this Austin," said Titti.

"It's ok baby," He replied, "I got in worse spots than this.  We'll get out of this, I mean I am the Man of Mystery."

"That you are," She said.

The van was in motion for a couple of hours, until it finally stopped.  They both wondered where they were.  Perhaps they are going to dump them some where in the desert, but that's been done before.  Suddenly the doors were opened and a bright light seeped in filling the van.  Austin and Titti saw a shadow of two men, one was Mustafa and the other was Mr. Husah.

"Welcome Mr. Powers, Ms. Huge," Mr. Husah said as he looked to Mustafa, "Get them out."

Mr. Husah got out of the way as Mustafa and Piranha grabbed them, dragged them out, then tied their hands.  Austin looked, as his eyes were adjusted to the sun, they saw that they were at quarry.  He saw a huge pit not more than a few yards away from him, and a tall crane looming above them.

"What are you going to do with us?" Austin asked.

"Dr. Evil told me to get you out of the way," Mr. Husah explained, "And that is what I am going to."

As a hook came down to greet Austin and Titti, Piranha and Mustafa placed them on the hook.  They then levitated into the air.  The crane moved them over the pit to a long shaft way.

"My quarry is fascinating Mr. Powers," Mr. Husah said, "22 tons of rock mineral gets dig out a day.  5 tons of is a rare type of metal that NASA uses for its space vehicles.  That only leaves 20 miles of complex tunnels.  That shaft below you is about 20 meters deep.  One I drop you two down in it, your legs will be broken and you'll never get out alive."

"Very clever Mr. Husah, "Austin replied, "I gotta know one thing.  What is you're connection with Dr. Evil?"

As Mr. Husah was walking away he heard Austin question, stopped, turned his head and replied, "I though your were smart to figure it out Mr. Powers.  But since you are going to die, I better tell you now.  Not only I dig out rock and metals, but also I make weapons of mass destruction on the side, sort of my hobby.  Dr. Evil told me build 4 nuclear powered rockets for his space shield.  Well I have to leaving you.  Good Bye."

He turned left towards his limo, leaving Austin and Titti hanging.  Mustafa and Piranha stayed to watch them suffer as he did as Austin left him for dead in that canyon two movies ago.  The captors struggled as Austin had an idea.

"What are you doing?" Titti wondered.

"My cufflinks are filled with Acid," he explained, "if I can reach them I'll use it to burn through the ropes."

"That's good, but we'll fall in to that shaft," Titti said.

"Not unless you use those shaggadelic legs to swing us out of the way."

"Brillant," Titti said as Austin went to work. 

He got one of the links and squeezed it.  A very little portion of clear liquid squirted out and it started to burn through the ropes.  At the same time Titti and Austin swung back and forth.  Mustafa look at them and knew something was up. Suddenly the ropes broke and they both fell down on the ground missing the shaft by inches.  They both got up dusting their selves off.

"NO!" Mustafa screamed as they both looked up at them, "That is all wrong!  You were supposed to fall in to that shaft. Here, I'll show you."  He carefully climbed in to the pit, but he lost his footing and fell rolling down the cliff side.  He let go of the gun and rolled in to the shaft falling down as he screamed until they heard a thump.  Titti quickly grabbed Mustafa's and fired at Piranha.  Piranha was pushed back from the bullets and disappeared.

"Ow," a voice cried in the pit, it was Mustafa as Austin and Titti looked down, "I think my legs are broken.  I will try to move.  Ow, Yes they are broken.  If someone can get some help, perhaps a rope, because I am bleeding right now and there is a snake approaching me.  I do not think he is poisonous but, Ow! He just bit my arm and I am getting dizzy now I just blacked out." 

He didn't say anything after that and Titti was already heading towards the stairs as well as Austin.  Once they got back on top, both Piranha and Mr. Husah was nowhere to be seen.

"Well, Now what?" Austin wondered. "We can't follow them now."

Titti knelled down at the tire marks and replied," Don't be too sure Austin.  I grew in the desert and was taught by my father to track animals in the sand.  I think we can do the same."  She looked around and saw a dune buggy by a shed. "Come on."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The two black Sand Vipers they found in a makeshift shed that was on the mining compound, left a streaming dust tail that was miles long as the couple sped into the hot desolate desert. They were following the tire tracks that were slowly dissolving in the Egyptian wind.

Dune after dune it seemed that they were driving for hours, until the limo tracks completely disappeared. They slowed down and stopped. Titti got out first and examined the area. Austin looked on too. Nothing. Nothing but sand and desert.

Titti never want to give up and neither did Austin. She then remembered something. As a child, her grandfather had told her tales of a lost king who never became king.

"Titti we don't have time for bed time stories baby," Austin said to her.

"You don't understand Austin," Titti explained, "The people of Cairo did not like this king. He was so horrid that the people of Egypt killed him and dragged him to the desert. But before he died, the king told the Forman to build a pyramid. Unfortunately the Forman didn't like him either as he stiffed him for the bill. So the Forman decided, 'Ok I'll build your pyramid.' He did, but no one but he knew where it was. When the king died, he told a few of his friends were the pyramid was. So they dragged him to somewhere out here and placed him in his pyramid. The Arab helpers sore to an oath never to reveal the location of the king's tomb." She gazed about for a moment, "That oath may have been broken sometime in the past."

"What does this have to do with my brother, baby?" Austin inquired.

"Your brother may have found the infamous underground pyramid," she answered him, "Problem is; we don't where to look." She then stopped and a wondrous smell was in the air. She sniffed the air to see what the smell was. For a moment it smelled like… "You smell something?"

Austin smelled it to.

"Odd, I didn't know McDonald's had a restaurant chain out here," he said.

"They don't."

She looked to the west, then north, and finally to the east were there were a huge sandy mound not more than twenty meters away. She then saw smoke slowly protruding from behind it. She cocked an eye brow and looked to Austin for an answer. Austin looked back with the same look.

They decided to investigate. The fried food smell became stronger as they climbed over the dune. The white fluffy smoke emitted from a long cylinder smoke stack that was dug in the ground. Austin looked around, and suddenly he became blind. Not by the sun, but worse.

"Oh my god, my eyes, my eyes!" Austin cried softly as he pulled Tiiti on the ground.

"What is it?" Titti inquired as he looked.

"No don't look!" he warned her, but it was too late.

Titti looked, and below was the most disgusting fowl thing she ever saw. It looked like a beached walrus drenched in sweat. It was, Fat Bastard naked. He was lying on a huge towel bathing in the Egypt sun.

She quickly adverted her eyes.

"Oh, my god!" she said.

Austin then said, "I know I know. Well, let's look on the bright side. If Fat Bastard is here, my brother can't be far behind. We, we gotta wait to see if he goes inside, then we'll follow him."

"If he goes inside," said Titti.

"Of all the assignments I had," Austin, "This got to be the toughest ever."

"Because Dr. Evil is your brother and you can come to stop him?" Titti asked.

"No, watching Fat Bastard sun bathing," he replied sickly.

It's been an hour since their arrival and Fat Bastard didn't move a muscle. Then suddenly he got up. Titti tapped Austin who was only resting his eyes. They got ready to follow him only to see that he was trying to turn over on his stomach. It was like watching raw dough roll on the table. They sighed in disappointment as they continue to wait.

Two hours later, as Austin snored; Titti saw the large Scotsman move again. This time he was sitting up. It took Fat Bastard a full ten minutes to get on his feet. Titti nudged Austin.

"No mummy, you can't make me help wash grammy," Austin mumbled.

Titti tried again and said, "Austin!"

He instantly woke up, "Yes yes, I'm here, and we're back."

Titti pointed as Fat Bastard put on his Egyptian golden robe that was in a beach bag. Austin looked as he adjusted his binocular spectacles. He saw Fat Bastard take out a hand held device that looked like a TV remote control. He pointed it to the ground and pressed a button. Then suddenly the sand started to sink into the ground as an opening appeared. It was a huge electronic door that slid open. It was so big in fact a truck could fit through it.

Below the sand was a large ramp that descended deep beneath the desert. The enormous Scottish man waddled down. This was their chance.

"Come on Austin," Titti said as they quietly made their way down the sandy dune.

They then raced over to the descending ramp. The duo walked down cautiously as the opening began to close. They crept behind Fat Bastard.

"All right Tubby!" Austin said as Fat Bastard turned to them. Austin and Titti had their guns raised at hit. "Where's my brother?"

"Well, ain't it mister super thin spy. Ya, got ya memory back didja?" Said Fat Bastard, he then looked to Titti and cooed, "Well, hello lassie. Why don't' ya take a break of spyin' and ride the tidal wave with me, eh?"

"What a tic," said Austin, "I thought you lost all that weight, how did you get it so fast?"

Fat Bastard told them, "Well, there is an interstin' story behind that. Ya see, I tried to pick up women, but it seemed that they weren't interested in my vagina. I got depressed again, and well you know the rest."

Titti and Austin nodded knowing how it was.

"Well, you are going to take us to Dr. Evil," Titti ordered him.

"I think not lassie," Fat Bastard said as a sly smiled grew on his face.

Suddenly they were grabbed behind by two large hands. They turned to see a tall man with steel trap-like jaws grinning at them. They then passed out.

"Ach, I didn't know you knew the Vulcan neck pinch," said Fat Bastard as Piranha nodded.


End file.
